


Inhumanly Human

by infiniteworld8



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Bullying, Childhood Friends, Difficult Decisions, Gen, Guilt, Injury, Marauders, Self-Acceptance, Self-Loathing, Serious Injuries, Werewolves, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 21:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1663955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a lazy day with nothing to do James and Sirius set their sights on their favourite target: Severus. But what starts out as taunts soon turns into something more,as humiliated, bullied, and outnumbered Severus uses a curse against James that has serious repercussions.When James is almost killed by a transformed Lupin the friendship between the marauders is put to the test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first ever HP story (even though I said I would never write HP because JK did great and I didn't want to try to top that). It was written as a gift fic for somebody. It has been edited from when it was previously posted on a different site.

Sirius, James and Remus were on the side of the castle near the forbidden forest. They ere far enough away from the main group that they weren’t visible but close enough that the antics of the other provided a distraction from the tedious boredom of the lazy weekend morning.

Remus and James were sitting at the base of a tree. James was lazily using his wand to charm a fly into doing tricks in mid-air. Sirius was hanging upside down from a tree branch watching a group of girls and keeping up a steady commentary on their looks.

Remus was studiously reading a Defence-Against-The-Dark Arts textbook and trying to ignore the behaviour of his two friends and the pains that wracked his body.

The only person missing from the group of friends was Peter or Wormtail as they had taken to calling him. Lupin wondered what Peter would be doing if he was with them, then realised he already knew. Peter would be either sycophantically agreeing with everything Sirius said or making a fool of himself applauding at everything James did. It made Remus sick to see Peter’s behaviour and the way James and Sirius revelled in the boy’s attention and then made fun of him to his face and behind his back for it. Remus knew Peter was naturally fearful and would latch onto anybody he thought would protect him and Sirius and James happened to be the biggest and baddest around the castle at the moment. But Remus suspected that even though neither would admit it the real reason at least partly James and Sirius let Peter hang out with them was because at they enjoyed having somebody to pick on.

It was almost as if James had tapped into Remus’ thoughts when he said “I wish Wormy was here.”

Sirius lazily flipped his hair out his eyes and stared upside down at James and asked “Why so he can see you make that fly do a summersault and piss himself in admiring delight?” Sirius gave a nasty snicker.

James glanced up at Sirius.“Don’t be a git.”

Sirius just grinned .“Seriously, though Wormy’s rather pathetic. I mean how thick do you have to be to fail a quiz on animagi three times when we’ve been studying it for the past few years?” Sirius flipped upright and grabbed a branch higher up, hoisting himself up and resumed his precarious position upside down. He continued “Did you see the look on that arse’s face when he found out he had failed again? I wanted to slap him!” Sirius pulled a face and said “He was like what? How did this happen?”

James chortled. Remus shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t speak.

“He’s plenty thick, denser than my mum’s fudge. I mean _we’re_ animagi for god sakes. It’s not like it’s a foreign topic.” James said.

Remus muttered quietly “Could you be a little quiet about that James?”

James glanced at Remus. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist Moony. Nobody’s around.”

Remus still looked uncomfortable but he didn’t argue. Sirius added “Prongs is right Moony. The whole full moon thing is making you anxious.”

Remus glanced around furtively before saying. “Sirius please don’t mention that here. Somebody might overhear.”

A snort of laughter followed Remus’s request. Then Sirius answered. “For god sakes nobody’s around.” He glanced down at Remus then continued. “As I was saying before I was interrupted by a certain paranoid _werewolf....”_ The last word was said in a stage-whisper, eliciting a glare from Remus which Sirius ignored. Sirius turned back to James. “About Peter though, I wanted to slam his face into his desk and then jinx the answers into him.”

Sirius pulled out his wand and gave it a flick. “Okay, now that you’re hanging upside down and all the blood is going to your head, maybe you can think better. So let’s try again for the fifteenth-hundred and hopefully last time: What is the difference between animagi and transfiguring yourself using a potion?” Sirius pretended to be listening to an answer and cupped a hand around his ears after a few seconds he said “Wrong, five minutes of the tongue-tying jinx for you.”

Remus turned another page in his book and briefly considered telling his friends to stop, but decided he didn’t want them to start on him. He tried to ignore the comments and focus on reading about patronuses.

James was laughing so hard he was having difficulty catching his breath. When he finally was able to breathe he added. “Maybe we should do that to him Padfoot. I mean, I would hate for him to wind up having a life of menial labour or having to be a sycophantic git for pay just because he was too thick to do anything else.”

“True, we’d probably be doing him a favour, helping him get his marks up and I’d get to practice my Jinxes so I’m ready for Snivellus.”

Remus was now very uncomfortable and it wasn’t only the pain from his coming transformation that was disturbing him. He shifted farther away from James and pretended to be engrossed in his book.

James sighed. “I wish that the greasy arse would come by. It’s boring, when he’s not around. “

There was silence for a few minutes then James glanced at Lupin and said “You’re awfully quiet Moony, wolf got your tongue?” he laughed at his own joke.

Remus gave a nervous laugh. “I’m just studying, you know so I’m not so far behind after the next few days.”

James nodded, but Remus could see he wasn’t really interested as he said “That’s probably good idea.” He ruffled his hair messing it up.” Say, moony since you’re not going to be in class Monday, mind writing out the answers to the charms quiz beforehand.”

Remus actually did mind. Sirius and James often asked him to do their homework or write their papers for them. It wasn’t because they were stupid, but because most of the time they didn’t feel like doing their own work. If James or Sirius had wanted to they could have easily gotten top marks with their own work, but they didn’t care to make the effort needed. So Remus did their work for them and to him it was a small price to pay not to have to deal with the insult and bullies that would have bothered him if James and Sirius weren’t his friends. The other students stayed away from him and treated him differently due to his sickly appearance and frequent absences. Plus a small part of him was worried that if he stopped going along with them they would start on him.

He laid down his book and said “Sure, where’s my bag?” James tossed it to him; Remus pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and started writing. His limbs ached with the shooting pains that signalled to him, his body would transform in a few hours. As he forced his hand not to shake he asked casually. “James, why don’t you have time to do your own work?”

James grinned and said “Because you do it some much better plus there’s a party Sunday afternoon and I’m not wasting my time studying when there’s girls to meet.”

“A girl you mean” Sirius voice drifted from overhead.

James glanced upward; the tips of his ears were red. “I didn’t say that.”

Sirius smirked at the obvious discomfiture he was causing his friend.”But that’s obviously what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about Evans.”

“Evans!” James in an obviously fake way added. “I certainly don’t mean her.... I mean she’s rather pretty...” He hastily continued “In a plain way, but her hair is too dark red and her almond shaped-eyes are too green and her nose is so small and she walks a little—“

Sirius cut him off. “You noticed all those details because you don’t like her?”

“I don’t.”

“Don’t lie mate. You should be honest.”

“I’m just pointing out her flaws. Do you see me accusing you of liking every girl just because you feel the need to point out the qualities of each that makes them unsuitable?”

Sirius said “I have certain tastes. Everybody’s not up to my high standards.”

“Except for one night, then you’re on to the next one right?”

“Whoa, mate. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you and Evans and ....Love.”

Love!” James was outraged. “Where in any of this conversation did you hear me mention love?”

Sirius grinned and was about to speak again when he froze and his expression became one of a predator sighting his prey. He looked quite like the dog he could become. His lips were pulled back revealing teeth in a feral smile. His eyes were gleaming with a mischievous and almost wicked light. He swung himself upright and dropped down from the tree, landing in a crouch. Throughout his movements almost impossibly his eyes had never strayed from their target.

James turned to see what had so utterly caught Sirius’ attention and with a small smile of his own as he saw who it was, whispered “Snivellus... perfect.”

Sirius remained crouch and James didn’t move. Remus raised his eyes from his parchment and felt a little sick as he noticed what had attracted his friends interest and realized what they were going to do. He thought about shouting a warning or telling his Sirius and James to lay off, but he was afraid if he did they might start on him. There was silence as they all watched a tall, thin pockmarked, black haired teen stride across the grass with a heavy book bag on one arm and a textbook held out in the other. The boy glanced around a little nervously and then seeing nobody around settled underneath a tree. He pulled out another book and stared at it for several seconds then took out his wand.

Simultaneously James and Sirius stood up and with glances at each other they reach an unspoken agreement and started toward Snivellus or as the boy’s actual name was Severus Snape. Remus tagged along wishing he had the guts to tell them to stop now, and not ineffectually wait until after they had humiliated and come close to torturing the other boy before giving a paltry attempt at intervening.

Severus was initially oblivious to their approach. He had his wand out an appeared to be charming something. A silvery mist was forming in the air around an object he held in his palm. Remus couldn’t exactly see what it was but it looked like a flower, specifically a Lilly. Sirius said “Oy, Snivellus mate! How’s it going?”

Severus reacted swiftly jumping to his feet and dropping the flower as he raised his wand. He opened his mouth to speak and James quickly flicked his wand silencing the boy. Snape still managed to send a Jinx his way, which James neatly dodged before lazily saying “Petrificus Totalus”

Severus fell over and Sirius ventured closer and peered into the petrified boy’s face. “You really need to be faster Snivellus, being so slow isn’t good for a want-a-be dark wizard like yourself. The aurors will have you in a few seconds.” He turned back to James “”Let’s let him try again.” Sirius muttered the counter-spell and Snape was able to move. He quickly snatched up his wand, but before he could speak he was petrified again.

James and Sirius continued for several minutes until Severus was so stiff from repeatedly being petrified and unpetrified that his limbs could scarcely move. After unpetrifying him the last time they disarmed him. James caught the wand in mid air and tossed it aside, as a panting Severus stared at them malevolently.

A crowd was starting to gather around the scene as other students notice what was happening. James and Sirius played it up, revelling in the attention.

“So what would you like to say for yourself Snivellus?’ Any bright ideas on how your reflexes can be made faster.” James asked in a mocking tone. Severus didn’t answer. James turned to the crowd “since he appears to be mute, let’s hear some suggestions.”

A blond girl in near the edge of the crowd shouted “Do the Jelly Leg jinx and make him bob for apples in the great lake.”

“Good.” James said considering. “Any others?”

“Turn him into a hamster and I’ll get my kneazle out.”

“ A little too lethal.”

More answers were shouted out but before James could reply to the other suggestions, Severus dove for his wand. Sirius saw the movement and casually said “ _Accio_ ” In the general direction of the wand without a specific directive. In response to Sirius’ nonchalant flick a notebook zoomed toward him instead of the wand.

Severus froze as he saw the leather-bound book hurtling toward Sirius then he lunged for it, missing the book as it grazed his fingertips. Sirius caught the notebook and grinned. “Why Severus something important in here?”

Severus shouted “F—k you! You bastard, you wanker! I hate--”

James flicked his wand casting a silencing charm and then after a moment of thought casted a jelly leg jinx, making Severus collapse to the ground. While keeping his wand pointed at the other teen James deftly caught the notebook Sirius tossed him and said “So let’s all hear what the greasy git thinks is so important, probably some of his creepy spells or potions.” He opened the book and said “Oh, beautiful... it’s a journal.”

Severus was struggling to gain his feet and was silently cursing at them; his face was bright red. James ignored him and started reading. _“December 4 th \--- potions was awful today, half the class made the worst polyjuice potion ever. Most of the potion was already assembled for them and they still couldn’t get it right. And that git James Potter somehow managed to be marginally better than those other idiots . The teacher and the rest of the class started fawning over him, the sycophantic wankers. The idiot let all the attention go to his overinflated head as usual but of course his potion was terrible compared to mine. I’m really the best potion maker in the whole class...”_

James paused and glanced at Severus who was glaring at him with intense hatred. “Happy to hear you think so highly of yourself. You’re probably the only person who does. “ The crowd of students surrounding the teens laughed and Severus turned an even a brighter shade of red. “And by the way the only git is  you. The last time I looked I didn’t have a resemblance to somebody’s arse or have so much grease and dirt in my hair people think I lived in a troll den.

Laughter broke out louder than this time, Severus who was still bound by the Jelly-leg jinx and under the effect of the silencing charm could only shake in impotent anger. James continued reading from Severus’ journal punctuating every few comments with snide remarks and piercing jokes.

Several minutes passed as Severus was forced to endure the other teen’s taunts before James flicked to the last page with a flourish. Severus froze as he saw the other boy pause staring at the page. James was staring at a large heart with the name Lilly Evans drawn next to it, below the name was a sketch of her. James expression grew even nastier. He glanced up from the page and locked eyes with Severus then very deliberately he slowly ripped the page out the journal. A cruel smile grew on his face as held the page up for all to see. Loudly he said “So you like Lilly Evans, huh?” Severus’ eyes widened and he struggled to his feet and lunged at James.

Sirius muttered _“incarcerus “_ ensnaring Severus in ropes . He remained standing but was now immobile. He was panting and struggling against the thick cords that encircled his body.

James continued. “I’m sure the feeling isn’t mutual. Who could love a git like you? You have the face of an arse. This is one day dream that’s not coming true.” He slowly ripped the paper in shreds letting the pieces of parchment flutter to the ground. If anybody had been truly watching James at that moment they would have noticed his demeanour had changed from taunting fun at another’s expense to the need to jealously humiliate.

Severus finally managed to speak as the charm wore off. “You f--ker. You don’t know anything about me. You should let me go and fight me man to man instead of having to have your friends back you up on everything.” He was incredibly pale and what appeared suspiciously like tears was trickling down his face.

“Your words might have some validity but who said you were a man?”

“What?”

“I really didn’t say you could speak.” James flicked his wand silencing Severus again and then turned to the crowd of students and asked. “Who here thinks Snape isn’t a man? I mean he’s crying right now for god sakes.” There was more laughter though some was more uncomfortable, nervous giggles then a full-blown laugh now. James continued. “But he says he’s a man so let’s make him prove it.” He raised his wand and released Severus from the rope restraints, then before the other boy could move he sharply swung his wand upward causing him to be hoisted in the air as if by an ankle.

Severus’ robes flew upwards over his head and his shirt snaked upward revealing a pale scarred abdomen and chest. Remus realised what was about to happen and moved forward intending to say something. James spoke again before he could. He turned to Sirius and said in a mock questioning tone. “What’s the best way to find out if he’s telling the truth?”

“Seems to me James we need some proof.”

“True and as they say seeing is believing.” James turned back to his prey and flicked his wand pulling the aloft boy’s trousers off. Severus dangled in mid-air and now his greying underpants were visible to everybody. James muttered something else and the robes and shirt flew off. Now everybody could see Severus’ face and nobody could deny that the stream of water trickling down his face wasn’t tears. Severus was on display for the crowd. His pale scarred skin, lanky legs, and body that looked astonishingly thin was stiff as he endured the students scrutiny.

Remus glanced around wishing somebody would come and stop this. He hoped an adult would arrive, but the lawn was deserted of professors. He didn’t want to intervene; he easily could see himself at the centre of the circle and everybody laughing as they knew his own secrets. He subconsciously rubbed his arm remembering the pain from a broken bone after he had been stoned in a village near where he had lived when it was discovered he was a werewolf. But as much as he feared becoming a target he couldn’t stand and watch. Remus turned to look at Severus and the other boy’s eyes locked with his, but they weren’t pleading for help they were filled with anger and loathing. The look moved Remus to action, no matter the consequences he had to say something. He moved closer to James and said quietly. “It’s enough James, let him go.”

There was no answer as either James ignored him or didn’t hear. Remus tried again.

This time James muttered irritably. “Not now Remus , don’t you see I’m busy?” He turned back to the crowd and spoke.”And now for the finale.” With a long flourish he caused Severus’ remaining piece of clothing to fly off and land in a heap next to his other clothes. Half the crowd dissolved into explosive laughter, the other half was nervous snickers. James made Severus slowly revolve in midair so every part of him was visible to everybody.

Remus stared at the ground, sickened at what he was going along with.

After a few minutes James allowed Severus to collapse in a heap. The boy desperately scrambled for his clothes. He pulled on his underpants and tugged his trousers on. Before he could finish dressing James said “Now that we’ve found you’re telling the truth, even though there was very _little_ evidence.” James let the laughter his statement had caused reverberate in the air for a few seconds before continuing. “I suppose you can have a fair fight which in your case requires me to seriously handicap myself because let’s face it you’re pretty much a squib. That’s why you have a book of little spells you made up. They’re the only ones easy enough for you to perform on a consistent basis.”

He summoned Severus’ wand, tossed it to him and released the silencing charm he had casted. Severus quickly dropped the shirt he was holding and caught the wand. He opened his mouth to form a curse and a jinx struck him directly in the chest knocking him backwards. Where the jinx had struck a nasty bruise started to form, but Severus was already scrambling to his feet; his eyes blazed with anger.

James chuckled. “ I gave you half-a-second, not good enough still? Ah, well I’ll let you have a go against my mate Sirius.”

Sirius lazily moved forward and waited until Severus had dragged himself up. He gasped out “You filthy bastards leave me alone! You only get away with this sh—because there’ s three of you f—kers and everybody’s scared of you!” He glared at Sirius and snarled. “You can’ say anything about me. I know your brother. You’re both slimy haired, filthy death-eaters—“

The rest of the tirade was interrupted as Sirius bristled slightly at the death-eater comment and then casually said. “I’m filthy am I? Maybe you can help me with that?” He muttered a spell and Severus immediately stiffened. Sirius said another spell and the other boy slowly came forward against his will. Sirius glanced down at his own shoes and then back at Severus and a malicious smile grew on his face. “There’s a bit of dirt on my shoe that needs cleaning.”

Remus watched as Snape was forced downward inexorably, for a moment with the complete control Sirius seemed to have over the other boy Remus feared he was using an unforgivable curse. But with an unforgivable curse there would have been absolute control and Severus was still able to offer more resistance than he would have been able to otherwise.

Severus wrenched his head back fighting the jinx. He succeeded in jerking his body upward. Sirius frowned and contemplated his wand for a second clearly wondering why the spell wasn’t working to his satisfaction. In those few seconds Severus had gained enough control of himself that he was able to shout. “you f—king wankers! You don’t have the bullocks to –“

His words were cut off by Sirius as he clicked his tongue against his teeth and taunted. “Ah, bad words Snivellus? Perhaps washing your mouth out would help.” He raised his wand and coldly whispered a word. Severus coughed as his mouth filled with water and the liquid spilled out dripping down his chin. His mouth continued to fill , somehow he still found the breath to spit out choked curses in between desperate gasps for air.

“Still finding the energy to have a potty mouth eh? Let me help you out.” Sirius silently flicked his wand. Severus’ face twisted and he made gagging sounds as his face turned bright red. His mouth which was still filled with water gaped open and Remus saw that his tongue had twisted in upon itself.

Severus lunged towards James who was nearest and James calmly stepped backwards, then with a cruel expression on his face pointed his wand at the other boy. Severus fell backwards as ropes bound his legs from the knees down. Water was still filling his mouth but lying on his back he couldn’t allow it to drain. He stumbled to his knees and started to be sick as his body tried to rid itself of the water.

James and Sirius watched uncaring and the crowd of people surrounding the spectacle did nothing to intervene. In fact many were laughing and jeering.

Remus had seen enough. He reached forward and grabbed Sirius ‘arm. “Stop this; Leave him alone. He hasn’t done anything.”

Sirius turned back to Remus and Lupin saw a glimpse of a darker side to his friend’s personality that mirrored the animal he could become. His teeth were pulled back in an animalistic grin, his eyes blazed with a feral light. “He’s done a lot of things. One: existing. Two: being where he has even the remotest possibility of intersecting with my presence and Three; being a greasy slime ball git who dabbles in the Dark Arts.” As he snarled the last words he wrenched his arm from Remus grip.

While Sirius had been talking his concentration on the spell had slackened, but James had taken over the spell . Remus glared at Sirius back but didn’t speak to him again instead he moved to James. “James, let’s leave him alone. He—“

Sirius turned back to him in an instant and now Remus could tell that he was on the receiving end of the other boy’s anger, but he didn’t back down. Sirius growled in a low voice. “He what? You always want to back down , to back off. Moony all this hiding you’ve been doing your whole life has made you fearful.” Sirius paused and the last sentence he spoke was like acid allowed to slowly drip onto a stone. “You’re fearful ...like a _dog_ that doesn’t want to be kicked.”

Remus snatched his hand back from where he had placed it on James arm, like he had been burned. Sirius was already turning back, perhaps he was unaware of how his words had hurt or perhaps he didn’t care. James had heard what Sirius had said and for a moment he glanced at Remus with something quite close to apology in his eyes but the next moment it had vanished and Remus saw that James was unwilling to stop or relinquish the control he had. It wasn’t about having fun anymore it was about totally and utterly humiliating the other boy. Remus took a step away, he was unsure whether he was going to tell a professor or merely wanted to get away, but he couldn’t bear to watch anymore.

Before he could move a sharp clear voice rang out. “Stop!”

The voice made James falter as he turned to find the source of the challenging command. When he saw who it was his attention wavered from Severus. Remus couldn’t help glancing at Snape who was staunchly avoiding everybody’s eyes as he knelt on all fours retching violently. His hair hung limply in his face. He was naked to the waist and his trousers were soaked with water. As the voice called out again the boy turned his face upwards towards the sound. Lupin saw the drops of liquid beading down his face and knew that it wasn’t only water as the teen took a deep shuddering breath that had more in relationship to the precursor of a sob than half-drowning. As Severus’ eyes locked with his own, Remus turned away unable to bear the gaze.

He was reminded all too well that it could have just as easily been him in the middle of the circle. Taunted, and hated, ridiculed with nobody to defend him. And Remus was ashamed to feel relief that it was Severus and not him.

When James saw the person who had shouted, his demeanour changed. He brushed his hair back ruffling it so it was untidy and the cruel expression on his face was replaced by a charming smile.

The girl, who had caused the rapid transformation, had dark red hair and green eyes that made the students in the crowd yield as she pushed her way through to the centre of the group. She stopped directly in front of James, her mouth set in a determined frown.

James smiled brightly. “Lilly Evans... What can I do for you?”

“Shut up Potter. Let Severus go and stop being a git! Why can’t you leave him alone!”

“Who Severus?” James glanced back at the black-haired teen like he had just noticed him and nonchalantly continued. “I was just teaching him to be a little faster. If he plans on being a Death Eater he’s going to have to work on his reflexes.”

Sirius chuckled; Lily glared at him and surprisingly he fell silent at her stare. She turned back to James. “You attacked him for nothing like you’re always doing. You’re nothing but a bully.”

James appeared slightly discomforted by the comment but quickly smoothed his expression back into its typical arrogance and spoke. “Well, at least I’m not a greasy Death-Eater leech like Severus, so I should count myself lucky.”

Lilly slapped James across the cheek leaving a bright red mark. The noise from the surrounding students had ceased. The only sounds to breach the silence were Severus harsh chokes. Lilly snatched out her wand as James had raised a hand to his cheek in surprise. Lily said in a deadly quiet voice “Let-him-go-now!”

The wand was centimetres from the middle of his eyes. James tried and failed to appear unconcerned by the close proximity of the wand and Lilly’s expression. He yawned rather fakely and said “Tell you what. I’ve told you this before time and time again; if you go out with me...I’ll stop.” Lilly didn’t speak, so James smiled and said. “So what’ll it be?”

“Never.”

“Well then bad luck for Severus.” James shook his head and began to turn away. Severus had managed straighten up and gasped out with difficulty. “You f—ker. You can’t--.”

“Still can’t keep your mouth clean? Here’s let’s try this. _Scourgify._ ”

Soapsuds began to form in Severus mouth and he coughed and gagged as they frothed out and flowed down his chin. He tried to speak and gasped something out that was incomprehensible before he felt to his knees. Soap suds were bubbling from his nose and as he tried to speak again a large bubble formed in his mouth and then burst.

Most of the surrounding students broke out laughing, though many sounded forced. “Stop this!” Lilly yelled. She turned to the crowd of people and shouted. “All of you are pathetic! Just because he’s Potter the Quidditch hero; the school crush doesn’t mean he isn’t an arrogant bullying wanker who doesn’t have the bullocks to fight fair without his mates backing him up at every turn. He walks down the halls jinxing anybody he doesn’t like. He takes what he wants and generally thinks the rules don’t apply to him. And you’re standing here laughing but it could just as easily be any of you standing at the centre of this circle.”

The students quieted at her words; Some stared at the ground refusing to meet her eyes. Lily twisted around to James and Sirius who were both watching her. “You’re pathetic , Both of you are losers and I hope something awful happens to you two.”

Before the two boys could speak she had already turned to Remus. “And you, you’re just as pathetic. I know you can’t possibly agree with what they’re doing, and I know that you want to belong. I know you want people to accept you.” Her gaze was locked with Remus and he couldn’t seem to look away. He wondered was it possible she knew his secret as Lilly let her words linger imparting more meaning in her silent gaze that only he could see. Then she continued. “But that doesn’t give you an excuse to be too much of a coward to stand up to them. And no matter what you’d like to believe they _aren’t_ your friends.”

James had turned a bright red at Lilly’s words. Remus stared at the ground. Sirius retained his haughty expression. All three boys were frozen to the spot. Lilly started to move towards Severus, but Sirius causally blocked her way.

“Move!”

“Or what Evans? Even though you’re a female I have no problem jinxing you.”

“You—“ Lilly began to speak as she raised her wand but her words were cut off as a gasped spell almost indecipherable between soapsuds laced breaths was spoke and a flash of light flew towards James. He stumbled and Sirius whipped around, but Lilly had already moved to block his path, preventing him from targeting Severus.

While they had been arguing Severus had crawled to his wand and taken the opportunity to Jinx James. The spell was only half-effective as the words had been garbled.

“Move or I’ll jinx you .” Sirius said tightly.

Lilly stood her ground. “You’re done here. Why don’t you go attend to your mate James? He’s looking even more so than normal like a Jack-ass right now.” She finished coldly.

Sirius glanced at James and saw that he had been partly transformed into a donkey. There was silence then a ripple of laughter that sounded more genuine than the laughter at Severus had been. James hands had turned to hooves, his face was elongated and he had long donkey-ears.

“I’m going to get you for this Evans.” The threat would have sounded more impressive if James had sounded more like a human and less like a donkey when he said it. As it was the half-braying sound brought more laughs.

Lilly didn’t even answer; she turned and walked toward Severus. Sirius stared after her clearly torn between making good on his threat of jinxing her or helping James who was bent over from the weight of his transformed face and elongated spine.   As James tried to say something and a donkey’s harsh bray sounded Sirius moved towards James. He helped his friend up and they started toward the infirmary.

Remus began to follow but something made him pause and he turned to watch as Lilly helped a shivering, gagging Snape back into his shirt. As Severus tugged his shirt over his head, Lilly caught Remus eyes. She stared at him and her gaze was filled with disapproval and something else. It was knowing. Remus could see she knew what he was; He didn’t know how , but she knew what he could become, she knew about the monster he was. But he could see that while she disliked him for his actions she didn’t see him as the monster anybody else would have if they knew. She glanced at Sirius and James retreating backs before turning to stare again at Remus.

He turned away from her piercing gaze unable to bear it any longer. She didn’t know him; He was a monster, he knew that and his actions and inaction over the last few minutes had confirmed that more than any monthly transformation could.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Remus sank tiredly back into the bed Madam Pomfrey had insisted he occupy and slowly drank the soup she had given him. He could see her moving around the infirmary. He watched as she deftly fixed a boy’s broken nose and sent him on his way. quite a few students had come in and out since he had been there. Several had stopped by to see him, expressing their sympathy for him being sick again. As he watched the latest person a girl from Ravenclaw walk away, he wished he could tell someone.

Nobody understood Lycanthropy wasn’t an illness really; it was more a state of being. The belief that he was half-human was more true than not. He knew that most werewolves if not all could transform into their other shapes even when it wasn’t a full moon. Remus resisted the temptation to do the same. He didn’t want to be any less human than he already was. He already felt enough like a monster.

He lifted his spoon and accidentally spilled soup as his hand shook. The pain was getting worse; His limbs ached with more intensity than before. He felt the urge to transform building. Remus knew that if he gave in to the urge as his body wanted to and transformed a few times each month the transformation during the full moon would be better. He would still become a deranged wolf unaware of anything but killing, but the initial pain in transforming would be marginally less. But Remus wouldn’t willing become a monster. He hated what he was. He hated the way his mind was destroyed and he had no control of his actions. And after every full moon he feared awakening to himself only to find he had bitten someone else and passed on the curse.

He felt somebody staring at him and glanced up to find Madam Pomfrey looming over him. He didn’t miss the pity in her gaze as she said in a stern yet soft voice. “Lupin I expect to see all that soup eaten. You need to keep up your strength you know you won’t be eating anything for a few days.”

Remus sighed and tried to swallow another mouthful but the pain was taking away any desire to eat and making him feel ill. He set the bowl aside. “I’m not hungry.”

She frowned then sighed and said quietly “Very well Remus, but try to get some sleep.” Then she grabbed the bowl of half-finished food and swept away.

Lupin stared after her, he hadn’t missed how she had used his first name, but she often did that when it was just the two of them. He didn’t find it awkward; at first it had been, but now that she had seen him through numerous transformations it was comforting to have something familiar for his last few hours as a human.

He settled back onto his pillows and tried to sleep. He soon feel into an uneasy slumber, half-disturbed by nightmares of what he would become and the pain that clung to him not even dulled by the warm envelope of sleep. The pain remained with him even in his deepest dreams reminding him that his nightmares were all too real.

Too soon, he felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked awake. The infirmary was deserted and Madam Pomfrey was once again standing over him. Her young, kind face was grave as she said quietly “Everybody’s at supper it’s almost time, dear.”

Remus gazed past her and noted the sun beginning to set and the deepening shadows. Twilight was fast approaching. He swung his legs from the bed and stood up. He swayed slightly and felt sick. Madam Pomfrey put a hand on his arm to steady him, but he shook his head and moved away. She pursed her lips but silently walked along side him, allowing him to take his own slow steps unassisted. They left the infirmary and passed the great hall. The chatter of children reverberated from behind the thick wooden doors and not for the first time Remus wished that he wasn’t the freak he was.

Quietly, left the castle and walked across the deserted lawn that was already beginning to wet with dew. They hadn’t encountered one person in their journey and Remus idly wondered whether the lack of students was due to it being supper time or because somebody had made sure the halls were clear before he left. He suspected it was the latter so nobody would follow them and find out his secret or more likely die at the hands of a werewolf before they even had the chance to tell.

They had reached the Whomping Willow. Madam Pomfrey stood carefully out of reach and raised her wand directing it at a nearby stick, she caused the twig to soar through the air and poke the knot on the trees trunk rendering the Willow immobile. They continued forward, down into the tunnel at the tree’s base.

They walked in silence for Remus each step felt like he was on a death march. No matter how many times he tried to resist each month he died and was reborn. To him that was what it was like in the last desperate moments as his mind was swallowed in one that was utterly alien and then when his mind remerged later as the vestiges of the wolf’s mind clawed at his consciousness refusing to relinquish its hold completely.

When they reached the end, Remus surveyed the inside of the room they had emerged into. It was exactly as it had been for years. The furniture was broken into shards. Dark streaks of blood-- his own blood--stained the walls and floor. The brownish smears were a testament to the many times he had slashed and bitten himself in desperation as a werewolf bereft of prey often did.

“I would like to stay with you a little longer Remus, dear, but I think there’s not much time left before....” Madam Pomfrey trailed off. Remus could tell she wasn’t telling the truth. She didn’t want to spend any more time in his presence and he couldn’t blame her . he knew she was afraid of him transforming . _For good reason he thought. He was a monster._

“I’m fine you can go.” Remus said trying to smile slightly but feeling his pained facial muscles fail to perform the task.

Madam Pomfrey nodded. “Very well, dear. I’ll be back when it’s –it’s over.”

Remus watched her go, and then sank down onto a bed in the corner of the room. The mattress was shredded and the bed clothes had long since been destroyed by rats and –him.

The rays of light coming in through the boarded up windows were dimming and the pain is his body was increasing. Remus slowly undressed, savouring the moments as a dying man would his last breaths.

He laid his shirt and trousers in a small cabinet higher up it was one of the few objects in the room that hadn’t been destroyed. He had no desire to change back and find his clothes were in shreds , he remembered the humiliating feeling from earlier transformations of Madam Pomfrey coming to find him crouched naked because in his transformed state he had ripped his clothes to tatters.

When he was down to his underpants he settled back on the bed watching the light fade and the sky darken.

~~~0~~~

James, Sirius and Peter slipped out the Great Hall as the sun began to set. They made their way across the lawn to the Whomping Willow.

“Okay, let’s hurry.” Peter said as he quivered with nervous energy.

“Damn you’re nervous, wormy. What do you think Moony is about to come barrelling out the tunnel as a werewolf and attack us?” Sirius said coldly.

Peter settled down and frowned. James knew why he was Peter was so anxious . It was a well-known fact that werewolves preferred to attack humans almost exclusively compared to other species.

James focused and carefully performed the _connectare_ charm that would allow them to communicate while they were in their animal forms. Then he and Sirius watched as Peter began to shrink. His face narrowed and fur sprouted on his skin. His body dwindled until he disappeared into his clothes and a rat emerged from the shirt collar. Sirius grabbed the heap of Peter’s clothes and shoved them into a bag , then he stuffed it behind a set of bushes. He was grumbling about Peter—as he did so the other boy still hadn’t learned to transform with his clothes on.

Peter scurried across the grass and deftly scampered up the Willow’s trunk toward the knot that would immobilize it’s thrashing branches. As he placed a paw on the knot the tree froze.

James glanced at the sky. It was still several; minutes before the moon emerged but James preferred to be careful. His animagi form was so large it would be incredibly cramped in the narrow tunnel at the base of the Whomping Willow. Sirius’ form would also be crowded in the tunnel so they both usually made that part of the journey while still human. But no matter how many times they did it both of them were apprehensive about walking into a dark tunnel towards a person who was about to transform into a werewolf. Sirius took the lead and the other followed. The light provided by two lighted wands only made the dusty tunnel seem even creepier. They emerged from the tunnel into a dingy room and heard the sound of ragged breathing. For a moment both boys’ hearts jumped as they thought Remus had already transformed. But a quick scan of the room revealed he was still human. He sat on the edge of the only bed in the room, clad only in his underclothes.

His head was bowed and his shoulders were hunched as he breathed hard and fast. His expression was twisted in pain and the old scars from previous transforms stood out vividly . Remus didn’t appear to have noticed they had arrived . Sirius watched as a shudder wracked the other boy’s body and said quietly “Remus?”

~~~0~~~

Remus turned his head upward and forced his mind away from where his thoughts were drowning in agony. He watched his friends. Wormtail was already transfigured and sitting on the edge of a broken table nibbling on something he had found. James and Sirius were in human form. Remus was grateful for their presence and at the same time he hated them for coming.

He was grateful that he wouldn’t have to undergo the transformation alone as he had for years. He wouldn’t be left locked in a room to tear and try to destroy himself for days as he hungered for prey he couldn’t hunt. Perhaps , eventually he would be able to retain a shred of humanity in his transformed state with their presence.

Part of him wanted to be alone. He knew in his transformed state he was extremely dangerous.. He could kill any of them as humans within a few seconds and even in their animal forms he could still hurt them badly and potentially kill them, especially Peter who was the smallest. Fear for the safety of his friends wasn’t Remus only reason for wishing they hadn’t come. He suspected that being their for him wasn’t even half of the reason they came. He knew James and Sirius delighted in breaking rules and reckless behaviour. And running with a werewolf every night was the epitome of breaking rules and reckless behaviour.

“You okay Moony?” James asked casually but in his nonchalant tone Remus detected a hint of concern.

“Yeah, I’m good... just waiting.”

James nodded.

Remus turned to stare out the window and shuddered as a jolt of pain wracked his body. The urge to transform was becoming unbearable, but he ignored it for as long as he could. He knew that in a very few minutes the change would be out of his control. His bones felt like they were being crushed; his skin was burning and a throbbing sensation coursed through his body. Remus tried not to make a sound as he turned to his friends and said tightly. “You’d better get ready night’s approaching.”

Sirius grinned. “Sure thing mate. I have no desire to be a wolf snack.”

The comment went unheard as Remus was trying to focus on staying conscious—it wouldn’t be the first time the pain had overcome him and he hadn’t even been aware when he transformed...He hadn’t been aware of his last moments as a human. He watched through pain-blurred eyes as James and Sirius each began to change. James halted halfway to becoming a stag—his lower half was an animals and his upper was still human.

Sirius was already transformed but through the charm performed earlier his thoughts were able to be transmitted.

<<What’s wrong, James?>>

“I don’t know. It’s like I’m stuck.”

<< Stuck? What don’t tell me you’re having performance issues --->> The rest of Sirius comment was cut as James began to transform again, until a stag was standing where he had been.

It wasn’t a moment too soon. Remus saw a glimpse of the moon through the boarded up window and straightened up as a sensation like a flash of lightning shot through of his body. The pain in his body intensified, it felt like his bones were being crushed. He knew what was about to happen as the familiar sensations took hold of his body and mind.

His back arched and he felt his spine lengthening. He fell to all fours as the pain in his body reached a crescendo. Waves of pain surged through him and he retched watching the soup from earlier spill onto the floor boards as his organs rearranged. His skin was bubbling now and felt like it was on fire; he wanted to rip it off. Remus raised his fingers—fingers that were now claws and raked them across his body till blood dripped down staining the wooden floor and still the pain didn’t stop. He screamed ; his voice was so loud the sound drowned out any other noises. He was vaguely aware of the three animals watching him from the side of the room but he couldn’t remember what they were or why they were there and it didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered but stopping the pain. He screamed again, as another wave coursed through his body and he felt his muscles twisting into new configurations. He felt his bones twisting and then a sharp grinding as they broke and began to reform. Tears trickled down his face and his clothes already wet with blood grew damp with something else as he lost control of his bladder.

His face elongated and fur began to sprout on his body. The pain was receding slightly but something else was rising to take its place. Remus felt the wolfs’ mind threatening to drown his own. He clung desperately to his own thoughts— _He was Remus Lupin—a human – he was Remus...He –He was–He was hungry...Desperately hungry. He wanted to kill, to feel blood dripping down his muzzle and flesh tearing between his teeth_

The werewolf straightened up and unleashed an unearthly howl; it was ready for the hunt.


	3. Chapter 3

James and Sirius warily watched the wolf. Peter had hidden behind them. The transformation had been grotesque and no matter how many times they had seen Remus transform the change was still shocking.

A skittering sound of Wormtail nervously moving around behind him, was heard but James. And as much as he detested the other boy’s cowardice he understood the fear.

The wolf howled again and then turned to glare at them with bared teeth. <<Think anything of Remus is still there? >> James heard Sirius voice asking in his mind.

<< Sometimes I think he’s still there, most of the time... I don’t>> James replied as he watched the werewolf warily.

<<Right well...>> Sirius trailed off.

By unspoken agreement, they ventured closer to the werewolf. Peter stayed close to the periphery of the room as far away from the wolf as possible. When James and Sirius neared the werewolf snapped and growled at them. Sirius snapped back at it, and the wolf after repeating its challenge and getting the same response shrank back slightly.

Sirius eyed it nervously but when it made no further moves and seemed to be waiting for his lead he spoke. <<Okay Wormtail.>>

Peter nervously darted across the room staying close to the base boards and disappeared into the front room. They heard a click as he unlatched the front door and then a thump as the charmed boards blocking the exit fell away.

James and Sirius herded the werewolf forward. Sirius edged ahead and led the way down the house steps. As soon as the last one of them had passed through the doorway, the door slammed shut and the boards flew back into position. They stopped at the gateway from the Shrieking Shack’s yard and Sirius used his snout to open the gate then passed through the silvery mist blocking the arch. His presence even in his animagi form was still recognised as human enough by the gateway charm so that the protection engineered to keep the werewolf contained even if he escaped the house, dissipated. The shrieking shack was laced with incantation. First several had been placed when Remus first came to the school to prevent anybody accidentally stumbling on him in his werewolf form. The house had barrier spells, anti-muggle charms and numerous others that Sirius and James had placed themselves to prevent Remus from escaping after their night-time walks.

They set off down a dirt path away from the faint lights of Hogsmeade village. The werewolf seemed pleased to be out. It bounded forward only to be stopped when Sirius came up behind it and nipped the creature’s heels. Sirius took the lead. James stayed at the back of the creature preventing it from turning around and Peter brought up the rear of the group scurrying to keep up. They had passed the last few houses and their guard was down slightly. Sirius was lazily strolling only pausing occasionally to keep the werewolf on the path. Peter had inched up and James saw him nosing the ground in a search for stray nuts. Remus was sniffing the air and racing along as fast as Sirius allowed it to go. James was less interested in any of the others and more in himself. For some reason he had a strange desire---an urge really if he was truthful to himself about it—to transform back to human. He wondered was the odd sensation one of the side effects of Severus’ spell that Madam Pomfrey had mentioned he might experience. Then again she would hardly know about it if it was a side effect because she had no idea he was an animagus.

James rolled his shoulders and tossed his head slightly causing his antlers to creak. Sirius glanced back at the sound and asked << are you okay?>>

<<Yeah>>

Sirius nodded in acknowledgement; the gesture was an odd sight in a dog, then he turned to Peter and said <<So wormy are you>>

The comment was broken off as the werewolf tensed and froze. All eyes were turned toward the beast and noticed that it’s gaze was intently fixed on something in the brush. They heard a small laugh then “Come here kip.” They were away from Hogsmeade and nobody had any reason for being this far away from the village, but as they listened the unmistakable tenor of a child’s voice rang out again. “Come here! Mum’s not going to be happy if she finds you snuck out again.”

They heard more rustling and then a young boy emerged from the bushes; he was scampering after what looked like a Jack Russell Terrier except for a forked tail, but was really a Crup. The dog froze and growled at them its eyes were centred on thee werewolf. The boy stopped and looked up at the noise and he was perfectly still before all the colour drained from his face. Three things happened. The boy screamed, the Crup lunged at the werewolf and the werewolf howled and lunged at the boy. Sirius caught the beast as it moved forward and strained to pull it back. It’s teeth were inches away from biting the boy. It caught a shred of the boy’s shirt ripping it off. The boy fell backwards and lay trembling on the ground. The werewolf tossed aside the shred of fabric in its mouth and once again surged toward its prey, ignoring the bites the Crup was inflicting on it. Sirius strained to hold the werewolf back. James joined in using his antlers to shove the creature away.

<<You bloody idiot run!>> James yelled. Whether the shock of hearing someone’s voice in his head or it finally hit him he was about to get mauled by a werewolf the boy ran. The dog barked once but then quickly followed after it’s master. The werewolf was furious at being denied its prey. As the boy disappeared into the underbrush the werewolf turned on Sirius and lunged for his throat. Sirius dodged away and knocked the creature aside. The wolf charged again and let out a low growl. It circled Sirius waiting for an opening. Sirius pulled his teeth back and snapped his jaws. The werewolf watched Sirius warily and then attacked again; rushing towards him and knocking him over as it sought his throat.

The creature had an animal’s cunning but Sirius had a human’s planning and intuition. As the wolf closed in Sirius surged up throwing it off and with James help the animal soon subsided. They were all covered with scratches and bruises.

<<Remus owes us big for this one>> Sirius remarked. James saw he had a deep gash on his shoulder and blood was thickly matting his fur. Sirius licked his shoulder and cocked his head as he regarded James. <<you could have joined in earlier Prongs>>

<<You looked like you were doing pretty well by yourself there.>>

Sirius stopped licking his shoulder and turned back to James ; his expression was as close to a scowl as a dog’s could be. <<Shut up.>> Sirius glanced at Peter who had sought refuge in a clump of bushes and remarked sarcastically. <<You can come out now Wormtail. The actions over...No danger of you being stepped on. >>

The bushes quivered and then a trembling rat emerged from a clump of leaves at the base. <<We should go back, before something happens.>> Wormtail said, the thought was shaky.

<< What are you afraid of? Moony wouldn’t even bother with you, you’re not half a mouthful.>> Sirius added menacingly. <<I could swallow you in one gulp.>> The black dog snapped his jaws for emphasis and then pulled his lips back to show bared canines.

The small rat on the ground trembled more and then darted away to hide under James. James irritably watched Sirius who was laughing—as much as short barks could be counted as laughter. <, Lay off Padfoot.>> before Sirius could respond James added << and will both of you focus before tomorrow half of Hogsmeade village is up in arms calling for a werewolf hunt?>> He nodded his head toward the werewolf who had wondered a short way down the path towards the village. The thought of Remus being discovered was enough to sober Sirius up as he abruptly stopped laughing.

Sirius quickly moved to corral the werewolf. The four of them started walking again and the journey continued in silence for several minutes. The village of Hogsmeade was no longer in sight. Barren rocks, twisted trees, and the sound of a rushing river nearby dominated the landscape.

As minutes passed without further incident they relaxed slightly. Sirius obviously considered the danger of them being detected negligible and James could see by the relaxed way he held his tail and the confidence roll of his shoulders that he was only half watching the werewolf as it ran along the path sniffing and scratching. Wormtail had cautiously moved away from James and even he appeared to be relatively unconcerned –at least as unconcerned as the perpetually fearful boy could be.

Only James didn’t feel more relaxed. The itching sensation he had been feeling had intensified and the urge to transform back into human was now almost unbearable. He knew it was almost suicidal to even be near a werewolf as a human and remembered that it had taken the combined strength of him and Sirius too keep the little boy from being bitten. But he the need to transform was building and resisting it was like trying to resist the urge to sneeze—almost impossible.

James was shaken from his concentration when an unearthly howled broke through his thoughts. He quickly glanced around and when he saw what had caused the werewolf’s cry an epitaph was clearly heard by all. <<Sh-->> . Instantly he increased his pace and saw that Sirius had also. The werewolf was chasing something at an inhuman speed. Before either of them could see what it was a herd of deer broke through the trees around them and ran. The werewolf sprinted after the herd as it ran.

Deer were crashing through the undergrowth , screaming in terror as they were disturbed from their twilight slumber by a werewolf eager for a hunt. A sound like roaring water was nearing. James felt something claw his fur and twisted his head to see a rat clinging to his fur. He knew immediately who it was ; the fact that a rodent had chosen to crawl up his fur in the middle of a stampede, the quivering body and beady eyes erased any doubts he had as to the identity of the animal. Rather than attempt to dislodge Wormtail, James raced after Sirius , though he was fully aware that his animagus form of a stag was less suited to chasing deer than Sirius dog form.

James was in the middle of the herd when a blood-curdling scream rent the air, it sounded almost like the terrified yell of a human. As the last few deer veered away James was clearly able to see Remus—the werewolf—he quickly reminded himself—with his teeth firmly fastened around a young fawn’s leg standing near the edge of a river bank. The young creature screamed again and then as James watched Remus tossed his head back breaking the animals leg. The werewolf growled and dragged his prey closer to the river’s edge clearly asserting it’s ownership of the kill. Then the werewolf ripped open the flank. The fawned cried out again but this time it was the sound of something that knew it was dying and was still desperately trying to get free. The werewolf pulled a piece of bloody muscle from the gash it had made and roughly swallowed the chunk of meat. Then it sank its teeth into the neck of the struggling fawn and ripped its throat apart. When Remus raised his head, his muzzle was covered in blood.

Bothe James and Sirius stared as the werewolf feasted on the fawn. The brutal nature of the beast was a sharp contrast to their friend’s normal personality. <<that’s---That’s disgusting.>>Sirius muttered as the wolf ripped open the fawns abdomen and pulled it’s entrails out.

Before James could reply, he felt something crawl out from under him ad glanced down to see Wormtail. Sirius noticed the rat’s movement and gave a short bark that could have been laughter. <<So Peter still-->> His words were cut off by a growling sound. They turned automatically to Remus but the werewolf was the source of the noise. It had raised its head and blood was steadily dripping from its muzzle as it loomed over the savaged fawn. Sirius muttered <,Sh-->> as they al saw the cause of the growling. They were surrounded by a pack of wolves.

Normal wolves wouldn’t have poised a problem, but these wolves had lived near Hogwarts and Hogsmeade for years. Prolonged contact with magic tended to make average animals both stronger and smarter. They were just as strong and fast as a regular wolf but they possessed a sense of cunning that was almost human like. They were skeletally thin and their eyes gleamed with a semi-intelligence that was unpleasant to behold. They were at least three times the size of an average wolf with paws the size of dinner plants and a muzzle that could gulp down a human in a few swallows. All three animagi shivered as the beasts coldly appraised them. The wolves were known by many of the castle’s inhabitants and the villagers as being vicious. And while other animals may have fled at the sight of a werewolf, they stood their ground almost like the recognized the unnaturalness of the beasts who was like them and yet not.

James and Sirius stumbled backwards a step as a wolf ventured forward. They could see its sharp, curved white teeth in the bright moonlight. Unearthly howls sounded from the group of wolves and even the werewolf seemed to quiver slightly. The wolves moved closer and the three animagi moved back, from the advancing pack.

<<W-what are they going to do?>> A quivery voice that James identified as Wormtail’s asked.

<<What do you think?>> Sirius replied in a dark biting tone. <<They’ve surrounded us and behind us is nowhere to go but a bloody river.>>

<<I-I can’t swim.>>

<< Well learn or be ripped apart>>. Sirius replied ominously. He took a step backwards from the slowly advancing creatures and added darkly. << Don’t worry Wormy, you wouldn’t even feel it, they’ll snap your head off in one bite. Hey get off me!>. James heard Sirius yell and half-turned to find Wormtail clinging to Sirius back.

Sirius continued. <<Mate, if you don’t get your bloody paws off me, drowning will be the least of your worries. I’ll-->> The rest of the threat was broke off as the wolves attacked. Six surged forward surrounding the werewolf. The other animals sensing the opportunity for another meal started after the three animagi. James was suddenly aware of how appealing his stag form was compared to the other’s animagi. The thought was reinforced when he felt a searing pain in his flank and turned to find a wolf with its teeth fastened in his side. As he watched in shock it ripped free a chunk of his side and swallowed the meat. Blood was streaming from the injury. James swung his antlered-head around, catching the wolf in its side and goring it. The creature fell back but others took its place, eager for a taste of blood.

Sirius had a group of the beasts surrounding him. He had inflicted a great deal of damage, but also had a great deal more injuries. Sirius lunged at the animals with reckless abandon and not for the first time James wondered vaguely whether Sirius possessed any caring for his own well-being. Wormtail was nowhere in sight and for a few seconds; James feared he had been killed, until he glimpsed the tip of pink tail peeking out from below Sirius.

James unconsciously stepped backwards as a wolf attempted to bite his throat. He was aware that the beasts were herding them closer and closer together and there were too many animals to overcome. Sirius was slowly down as sheered numbers overwhelmed him and James felt the animals tugging at his body with their sharp teeth. The next few minutes suddenly flashed through his mind.

_Teeth tearing his flesh open and the howls of the wolves sounding in his ears. Staring into the night sky, as the metallic taste of blood –his blood filled his mouth. And the gleaming moon blotted out by wickedly curved teeth and eyes that were filled with death and the smell of his own blood cloggingthe air._

<<The river>> James yelled. When Sirius didn’t move James added. << The river—they won’t go in the water.>>

Sirius took a half-glanced at the foaming water and then apparently decided what James already had: It was better to die by drowning than to be ripped apart.

Slowly they moved toward the water. The werewolf was inexorably drawn along as the flow of the battle changed. James took a step backward and felt nothing below his back hoof. Then a wolf rushed at him and he fell into the rushing water. The last thing he saw was the wolves closing in and Sirius grabbing Remus and dragging him backwards towards the water. Wormtail was desperately crawling onto the large black dog’s back.

Then water filled James mouth as his head fell beneath the surface. He desperately kicked out trying to surface, but he couldn’t swim like he could in his human body. The stag was sluggish, heavy, as water filled his nose and trickled into his lungs he frantically tried to bring his antlered head above the water.

He was drowning. James fell back and even as he strained for breath that wouldn’t come; he felt a change with one last surge of energy he managed to bring his head briefly to the surface. He sucked in air, it was only a gulp really but it was enough for him to stay conscious as the force of the water forced him beneath the surface again.

He was washed along with the current for what seemed like forever. Intermittently breaking the surface for air and shoved under by the current as he was dashed against rocks and water-logged trees. Finally the current subsided enough that he was able to break free and force himself to the bank. He crawled onto the shore and collapsed in the dirt, sucking in lungfuls of air. As fresh air rushed in, his body tensed and he heaved. He turned his head weakly to the side, not bothering to move more as a stomachful of water spilled from his mouth. He breathed again and pushed himself to his hands and knees, gagging as another surge of water was brought up.

As he unwillingly heaved up the liquid that he had been drowning in, a memory filled his mind. _Snape crouched on the ground gagging from the spell they had used on him. The boy soaked and shivering as water poured from his mouth._ James was shivering as he glanced around the bank. Sirius was passed out in the dirt still in his dog form. A trembling ball of fur that was Wormtail lay stretched across him. A few feet away the werewolf was sprawled limply. As James watched it turned its head and stared directly at him. James could have sworn the predatory look in it’s eyes was directed at him. He got to his feet and it tensed—but that didn’t matter he was still in his animagi form.

<<James!>> Sirius was staring directly at his friend. James started at the yell and turned to find the black dog staring at him with horror in its eyes.

“What’s—“ James started to say. Simultaneously two things happened. James realised he was no longer in his animagi form and the werewolf lunged at him.

James was knocked backwards, by the creature’s weight. Sirius rushed forward. The werewolf’s jaws were inches away from James face. Sirius was trying to drag it off but it clung to James it’s claws digging into his side as it refused to be denied a meal. Sirius bit and tore at the creature, but it still clung on. The beast had sighted the one thing it desired above all else: A human. And it wasn’t letting its prey go for anything.

James cried out as the werewolf dug raked its claws down his side. His side suddenly felt wet. The wolf howled and licked at the blood it has had caused.

<<Change back!>>. Sirius yelled frantically as the wolf snapped at him and slashed at him with its teeth.

James desperately tried to change back, but he couldn’t. He remembered the difficulty he had earlier changing to his stag for , the curse Severus had used, and Madam Pomfrey warning him there might be side-effects. And he knew there was no way the werewolf was going to stop now that it had sighted human prey.

<<Change back!>> Sirius shouted again.

“I can’t “James yelled. He repeated. “I can’t” the words turned into a whimper as he realised he was going to die. The werewolf sensed the fear and shook the Sirius off. The black dog landed in a heap.

The werewolf—Remus—drew closer. James could feel it’s fetid blood-laced breath on his face. He saw the shining inhuman eyes, the cruelly curved teeth wet with blood, and the crimson muzzle of the beast—and stared into the face of his friend. His friend who was a werewolf and was about to kill him. Its teeth neared and he felt a drop of blood from its muzzle into his neck. He watched as it opened its jaws and knew that when Remus finally did come back to himself he would never forgive himself for what he was about to do. And at that moment James felt sorrier for Remus than he did for himself.

James closed his eyes and felt the teeth touch his throat—not breaking the skin ---and in that infinitesimal second before his throat was ripped apart the werewolf’s weight vanished from his body. He opened his eyes and saw Sirius dragging the animal off him. <<Run!>>. James scrambled to his feet heeding Sirius’ warning. Before he had gotten more than a few feet, he was knocked backwards and fell into the river. The water crashed over him and a larger splash followed. He became aware the werewolf was in the water with him as he felt a raking pain slash through his thigh. He screamed underwater, sucking in air and mouthfuls of liquid.

His brain was screaming at him to change back. He was screaming soundlessly underwater. The roaring noise of the river was filling his ears as he alternately broke the surface and then was pushed downwards. He kicked out within his legs, his arms flailed helplessly. He was sinking, drowning and unable to move but suddenly something changed. His body was familiar and yet different. He swam awkwardly to the bank and collapsed on the bank for the second time that night. This time he noted his hands were now hooves and a glance at the rest of his body confirmed his transformation.

The werewolf surged from the water behind him, but he saw the predatory gleam in its eyes die down as it saw its human prey had vanished. It lunged forward and growled obviously intending to settle for a stag supper, if it couldn’t have its favourite prey, but Sirius blocked it and after a quick scuffle the werewolf subsided. Sirius stood challengingly in front of the animal. He was panting and had his shoulder was sliced open, but his eyes stayed fastened on Remus’ not showing the beast any sign of weakness. After a moment the werewolf lowered its eyes in submission. Peter’s teeth were chattering audible and James and Sirius panting breaths made a mist in the cool night air. All three animagi stared at each other then Sirius broke the silence. <<it’s getting late we should go back.>>

The way back to the shrieking shack was silent. The James felt numb, even the pain in his side couldn’t full awaken his senses. He couldn’t forget the look on Remus’ face as he had prepared to kill him. Remembering the brutal inhuman quality in the werewolf’s face , brought whispers of doubt to James mind about his friend. The old pureblood sayings that had been beat into his head of werewolves and other similar creatures being half-bloods and dangerous seemed all the more believable. James clearly remembered going to the ministry of magic with his father and seeing a dirty man with long-unkempt hair being dragged forward in chains. He remembered asking his father what the man was and how he had told him he wasn’t a man but a werewolf-- a monster. And now he was friends with a monster. James shuddered as the thought crossed his mind.

He tried to think of lycanthropy as a sickness not something to be feared but something to be treated cautiously. But all he could remember was the feeling as he had known he was about to die. Maybe everybody else was right and werewolf’s shouldn’t be allowed to be around regular humans, maybe Remus would be better off away from everybody else and put away somewhere or with his own kind. Then James felt sick as he imagined Remus kicked, beaten and scorned for something he had no control over.

James was silent for the entire time it took them to go to the shrieking shack. He watched as the enchanted boards flew back at their presence and Peter unlatched the door. Once Remus was safely locked away , they started up the tunnel that would take them back to Hogwarts grounds. Sirius and James changed back to their human forms and Peter led the way from the base of the Whomping willow, darting out before the others to freeze the trees thrashing limbs.

As they moved out into the bright moonlight, the injuries that weren’t readily apparent or as severe in their animagi forms were clearly visible on their human bodies. Sirius had a large slash from his hairline to his neck, his shoulder was ripped open and still oozing blood. His face was covered with small cuts.

A searing pain rippled through James body, and he focused his attention on himself. He glanced down and saw with shock that the whole side of his shirt was soaked with red. Biting his lips to keep from screaming he slowly raised his arm and pulled his shirt up. As he saw the wound he felt dizzy. He hadn’t noticed how badly he was injured due to adrenalin but his entire side was laid open And his thigh had a large gash . James pressed his arm to his side trying to stem the flow of blood, he hissed in a breath as the pressure caused agony to surge through his body. He dizzily tried to figure out a lie for Madam Pomfrey to explain their injuries.

Sirius hadn’t noticed the extent of James injuries and was busy trying to fasten a makeshift bandage for his shoulder from a piece of shirt. Peter scrambled from a clump of bushes , in human form and fully clothed. The rat-faced boy was panting and pacing agitatedly. Suddenly he rounded on James and Sirius. “This is it! I was nearly fucking killed.” He yelled. “Remus is dangerous. He’s a werewolf.”

Sirius swung around and glared at Peter but before he could speak, the other boy continued. “I’m telling somebody, the _daily prophet_ , the rest of the school, somebody needs to know what the bloody hell is going on here! “ Peter spat on the ground and said “ They keep the beasts away from the rest of us for a reason. He needs to be locked up and exterminated before he hurts somebody.”

James saw Sirius fists clench. Sirius’s eyes were blazing, as he marched up to Peter. “You’re not saying a word about him to anybody!”

Peter faltered slightly at Sirius deadly cold tone , but then he defiantly said. “”Fuck you! I’m telling and he’s leaving here. He tried to fucking kill us all!” He was yelling and he added even louder. “He’s a bloody, fucking werewolf, not a person. He needs to be—“

His words were cut off as Sirius slammed him into a tree. Simultaneously he drew his wand and pointed it dead centre between Peter’s eyes. As Peter started to speak again, Sirius slammed him against the tree again and yelled. “You’re not saying anything. You think Remus asked to be like that? You think he likes every fucking month becoming something from a nightmare? We’re his friends, Peter! His friend’s.”

The rat-faced boy looked paled and glanced at James as if expecting intercession against Sirius wrath on his behalf. But James remained at the periphery neither helping Sirius nor telling him to lay off. Peter said “Ger’off me.” And shoved at Sirius intentionally hitting him in his ruined shoulder. Sirius gave a grunt of pain in response to the blow but only immobilized Peter further.

Panting breaths were all that could be heard for several moments then Peter said. “He tried to kill us and I’m—“

Sirius hit Peter in the face and then slammed his forearm across the other boy’s neck cutting off his air. “Hedid not try to kill us Wormtail. Firstly because that was not him, in his right mind he doesn’t even want to jinx Snivellus.” The next few words were said in a calm cold tone. “Second. I don’t see you with a mark on your bloody arse as you stand here snivelling.”

“Jus’-- ‘cause-- you’” Peter gasped. Sirius stopped the words by choking Peter, he moved his wand so that the tip was digging between the smaller boy’s eyes. Sirius teeth were visible in a feral smile as he whispered in a deadly quiet voice. “Just give me a reason Peter. Say one more bloody word and give me a reason and I swear I’ll—“

Peter jerked free and doubled over panting for breath. He glanced up after a moment and said. “I’m not afraid of you Sirius Black. House of _Tojours Pur._ Your whole family is Dark wizards.” He spat the next words out contemptuously. “You’re a death eater, you’ve probably got a damn werewolf as a pet, probably want to keep Remus on a chain in your room. Well the—“

Any further words were cut off by a roar of rage . Sirius advanced on Peter and shoved him to the ground. He got on top of the smaller boy pinning him to the leaf-strewn lawn and snarled. “I’m a Death Eater am I? Well then this shouldn’t come as a surprise —“ He took a deep breath and his eyes were very bright .

James started to speak “Sirius, come on—“

His words were ignored as Sirius raised his wand pointing his at Peter’s chest and muttered. “Cruci—“

James shoved Sirius off before he could finish the curse and knocked him over punching him repeatedly. Sirius fought him and both boys were tangled together clumsily fighting as each struggled to hurt the other. Neither bothered to acknowledge the pain they felt or the sticky substance on their hands as they reopened their injuries James was yelling “Stop this ! Stop! “ Sirius shoved James off and started for Peter again. The smaller boy scrambled to his feet, he was clearly frightened and backed up tripping over his feet as Sirius came towards him.

James desperately caught Sirius. He held on as his friend struggled to free himself. “Let me go Prongs, Let me go!” Sirius yelled straining against the arms holding him back from Peter.

When James didn’t release him Sirius struck him and then as James grip loosened went after Peter again. James was doubled up in pain swearing, he straightened in time to catch the back of Sirius shirt. He dragged him back and yelled “STOP! STOP NOW!”

Something in James pained angry tone broke through to Sirius and he subsided from his attack. He said in a strangely choked voice “I’m not a death eater. I’m not my family I’m not.”

“The fuck you aren’t.” Peter dabbed a stream of blood from his spilt lip and muttered” I heard the curse you were about to use. It was an unforgivable curse. The cruciatus curse. I _heard_ you.”

“I-I didn’t. I-wasn’t” Sirius stopped speaking and glanced at James for support. James avoided his gaze. He had heard the spell Sirius had been about to use and he knew quite well what the spell had been and there was no way to deny it. So he was silent.

Nobody spoke for several minutes ;all three boys stared at each other. Then Peter broke the silence, noticing James shirt which was rapidly staining with more blood. “You’re bleeding.”

Sirius turned at Peter’s words and his eyes widened. “Bleeding is an understatement. You need the infirmary.”

“ I know that, but how will we explain this late at night , when were’ not even supposed to be out of the castle let alone outside our dorm.” James asked.

Sirius bit his lip then muttered. “Well it’s not something you can put off that cut won’t heal on it’s own. Especially if Moony did it and you’re bleeding heavy. You probably need a blood replenishing potion. Plus did you see what happened , you transformed without meaning to; Snivellus spell did something to you. ”

“Padfoot, it’s the middle of the bloody night. What do you expect me to do waltz into the infirmary and then say ‘ oh Madam Pomfrey ignore that I’m standing here with my side ripped open, but while I was in my dormitory quietly asleep I woke up with a f—king gaping hole in my side. “ James paused for breath and continued sarcastically. “Do you mind fixing it and ignoring everything that’s bloody wrong with this situation? Oh and by the way did I mention I’m an illegal animagi and I keep transforming without intending to?” James finished sarcastically as he clamped a hand against his side and blood still trickled out between his fingers.

Sirius was silent at the comment, then he spoke. “Well what do you suggest we bloody do?”

“I—“ James broke off as pain tore through his body. His vision dimmed and he shook his head trying to get it to clear. Then his head spilt open he was vaguely aware that he screamed and then he was falling. Hands caught him before he hit the ground and a worried face appeared over his. “Prongs, what ‘s wrong?”

James tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t obey him. His body was sluggish and he struggled to gain his feet. He gasped “hurts—“ as agony ripped through his body. He was still trying to stand, Before he could stand, pain ripped through him again driving him to his knees. His breath was coming faster and the pain was much worse. He stumbled to his feet and was vaguely aware of Peter coming closer and him and Sirius beginning to argue. He was interested in what they were talking about because he noted that his skin was rippling and his body was beginning to re-arrange. He glanced down and saw that his hands and arms were turning a chestnut brown. And his fingers were growing together.

“Sirius—“ He murmured trying not to cry out as the injury to his side was tugged and stretched by his ribs reconfiguring . Sirius turned back and his eyes widened as he saw James transforming.

“ Stop, change, back” Sirius said , clearly alarmed.

“Can’t—I can’t.” James gasped. The response to his words was lost as his organs rearranged and then as suddenly as it had started the process began to reverse. Within seconds James fell to the ground fully human again. His injured side hit the ground and he heard a grating sound then pain rippled through his chest. He screamed and with shaking fingers touched his injured side . His hand came back slick with blood.

Sirius and Peter knelt at his side and he was vaguely aware of Peter asking. “James what’s happening?” James didn’t speak, words were suddenly unimportant. He started to shake slightly and couldn’t seem to stop. He felt hands pulling him to a sitting position and heard , Sirius mutter “Shit“.

He was freezing except for the hot blood streaming down his side and soaking into his clothes. As he sat up he felt his ribs grate together and a wave of dizziness and nausea passed through him. He retched and blood filled his mouth spilling over his lips to dribble down his shirt. His vision was growing dim and though he knew Sirius was speaking to him, he couldn’t understand the words. It was like he was floating, he surrendered to the sensation and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius watched with growing horror as James clothes grew soaked with more blood, he was bleeding a lot worse than when he had before he transformed. Sirius guessed the partial transformation had damaged his injuries further, and when James coughed up blood and passed out he made a quick decision.

Ignoring Peter’s fearful protests , Sirius lifted James. His own shoulder twinged as he hurried across the lawn towards the castle and desperately tried no to think that the liquid he felt wetting his own shirt was his friend’s blood. He entered the castle and was halfway to the infirmary when a ghost glided to the wall in front of him bringing his hurried walk to a halt. Sirius hadn’t bothered to retrieve the invisibility cloak in his hurry to get James to the infirmary as he was confronted by the apparition of a maliciously grinning little man he cursed his own carelessness.

Peeves was clutching a set of walking sticks and staring at them with delight. The small poltergeist gave a wicked grin . “Oooh, the three troublemakers out of bed late at night. Off to pull another prank are we?” the ghost drifted closer and peered at James before continuing. “That’s a good one that is.”

“This isn’t a prank Peeves.” Sirius said tightly aware that if he angered Peeves then the ghost was more than capable of retaliating in a particularly nasty manner.

“So you expect me to believe you’re not taking him to the infirmary intending on scaring Madam Pomfrey to death?” Peeves said in a mocking tone.

“No Peeves this is serious.”

“Serious is it? Well then I’m sure he’s _actually_ bleeding to death and not one of your little illusions you placed.” Peeves said in a falsely solemn voice. Peeves maintained a grave expression for a second then fell out laughing. “I know you Sirius . You can’t trick a trickster, unless ...you resort to unfair means. And let me tell you that was very embarrassing. So much so that I haven’t forgotten one moment of it.” The last words were hissed in a serious menacing tone and Peeves eyes glinted as he stared at Sirius.

Sirius tried not to appear concerned by the implied threat and distinctly regretted the trick he had played on the castle’s poltergeist. “Peeves this isn’t a joke. I’m—“ Sirius began.

“On second thought let’s not scare madam Pomfrey to death. She’d be a dreary ghost.” Peeves over talked Sirius like the boy hadn’t spoke. “And if you want that blood to look more real you should---“

“Peeves. This isn’t a bloody joke. “ Sirius yelled

The poltergeist paused mid words and his eyes narrowed shrewdly. “You’re saying James is actually injured?” The poltergeist ventured closer and seemed to inspect the other boy momentarily. Then drew back and asked. “What were you doing?”

Sirius ignored the question and asked one of his own. “Will you let us go now?”

Peeves hesitated as if he was trying to discern whether it was another trick then said. “Go Sirius Black-- if James truly is that injured I’ll let you through without the usual payment. I’d hate for something to happen to him, he at least knows there is honour among thieves.” Sirius began to move past but the ghost suddenly swooped down blocking his way one more and moved his face only an inch away from Sirius. “But if this is a trick , you’ll regret it. Very much so.” Then the poltergeist allowed them to past unhampered except for attempting to drop a walking stick on Peter’s head as he passed.

Sirius was halfway down the corridor as Peeves called after him. “Avoid the left corridor, I slicked the floor.”

Sirius hastened to the infirmary. When he arrived there it was deserted. The beds were carefully made and dim candlelight flickered across the stone walls. He lifted James still form onto a bed and hurried off to find Madam Pomfrey. He opened a door at the end of the ward and was surprised to find himself in her living quarters. She was fast asleep in her bed. Sirius said her name startling her awake. AS she stared at him slightly shocked Sirius briefly explained in a jumbled mass of words. She almost got a few words before hurrying out while tugging on her dressing gown. When she saw James lying in the bed with blood soaking into the bed clothes she gasped. Without waiting for further explanation she swiftly pulled out her wand and began murmuring a slow spell. Whitish-silver mist formed around James body as Madam Pomfrey intoned the spell that sounded more like a quiet melody. Glints of light danced in the mist and ten seemed to concentrate themselves around the injuries James had.

Minutes passed and slowly the bleeding lessened and stopped , Madam Pomfrey released the spell and the mist evaporated, James breathing was less laboured but his face was still deadly pale. Madam Pomfrey turned to Sirius and Peter and said one word. “Explain”

Sirius swallowed sharply then quickly spun a lie about sneaking into the forest ad being attacked. He said the name of the first animal that came to mind and winced inwardly when he saw Madam Pomfrey’s disbelieving expression. When he finished the story , Madam Pomfrey examined him noting the injury to his shoulder and then asked. “ And Black you expect me to believe what you just told me?”

Sirius mouth was dry at the shrewdness in her tone but all he could do was mutter. “It’s the truth.”

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips clearly debating something . Then asked. “Were-were you anywhere near the Whomping willow? Was something roaming the castle grounds?” Sirius knew what she suspected, but he pretended not to know why she was asking the question. “We walked near the willow and the branches scratched us up but there was nothing on the grounds. I told you what happened.”

Madam Pomfrey appeared to be about to speak again, but at that moment James groaned and they all turned to find him opening his eyes. He stared around in shock before his eyes locked on Sirius. “What—what am I doing here? I told you I—“ Sirius shook his head quickly cutting off James words. James noticed the woman standing there and fell silent.

The communication between the two boys wasn’t missed. Madam Pomfrey crisply said “The headmaster will be notified of what the three of you have been up to.” She left the three boys alone and walked to a small cauldron boiling over a blue-flamed fire and began preparing a potion.

When she was out of hearing range , James whispered. “What did you tell her?”

Sirius shrugged then winced as the movement pulled at his shoulder. “ I said we were in the forest and we were attacked.” He paused then said . “I think she think she thought at first it might have been Moony though.”

“I‘d rather spend the next year in detention than have her find out what happened. I bet you if she knew they’d expel him. We should have been more careful.”

Sirius nodded and was about to speak, but was cut off by Peter. “Be more careful? He’s dangerous. Remus should be expelled. He nearly killed us .”

Sirius and James both shouted simultaneously. “Shut up!”

Peter scowled defiantly and muttered. “I’m not too much of a git to admit Remus is dangerous and should—“

Sirius moved towards the smaller boy before he could reach him , Madam Pomfrey reappeared with a smoking goblet. Peter fell silent in her presence as he saw the evil glare the other boy was sending him. Madam Pomfrey gave James the gobletful of potion to drink. Then she treated Sirius’ injuries and sent Peter back to his dormitory. Under Madam Pomfrey’s watchful eye the two boys remaining in the infirmary settled down to sleep.

~~~0~~~

A day later James and Sirius convinced Madam Pomfrey to let them leave. Either that or she was tired of the numerous students that had come to visit them while they were in the infirmary. They had already talked with the headmaster and each had two months worth detention, letters that were being sent to their parents and fifty points apiece lost for Gryffindor. Neither particularly cared about the punishments. They were more interested in how Remus was faring in their absence. They congregated in the Gryffindor common room, ignoring the odd looks other students were giving them. Most of the students in Hogwarts had heard about their late night escapades and were severely disappointed that the tale wasn’t forthcoming. The lack of a story had only added fuel to the gossip. The latest rumour was they had fought a twenty-foot giant and stopped a horde of centaurs from attacking the castle.

James ignored a girl as she tried to ask him a question about what had happened. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened . If he was honest with himself he was still terrified as he thought of how close he had come to dying that night. Apparently Remus had not only laid open his side and thigh but he had broken several ribs. When James had partially transformed, the fractured ribs had punctured his lungs.

James couldn’t entirely fault Remus for what he had done, but Peter’s words were beginning to seem more valid. Maybe it wasn’t safe to have Remus at Hogwarts. If he ever made it out the tunnel below the Whomping Willow while he was transformed tens of children could be bitten or killed. James shivered thinking of what he had seen Remus—The werewolf—do to the fawn and imagined him doing the same thing to one of the first-years or second-years.

Sirius noticed the expression on James face and asked knowingly. “You’re thinking about Remus?”

James nodded. Sirius sighed and then spoke. “I don’t care whether he’s dangerous or not. Most of the time we have him under control, things got a little out of control because of Snivellus spell and that idiot boy with that Crup. Sirius continued as James didn’t look reassured. “ James if any one of us was in the same position as Moony , he wouldn’t even think of doing what Peter had suggested. You know he wouldn’t.”

James felt guilty as he thought about Remus. He glanced at Sirius and said. “You’re right.”

“I know I am. We’re Remus friends. The only one’s he’s got. We should be there for him.”

~~~0~~~

That night Peter, Sirius, and James made their cautious way down the tunnel leading to the shrieking shack. The wolf was standing at their approach. Remus had fared poorly in their absence. The werewolf surged forward when they came; its eyes were even wilder. Tufts of fur were missing, fresh blood adorned the Shrieking Shack’s walls, and the werewolf had gashes marring its body. The creature didn’t seem to recognise them and even as he tried to subdue the beast Sirius was silently apologizing to Remus for leaving him alone... alone to destroy himself because they were afraid.

Sirius was forced to inflict several more superficial wounds on the werewolf before it retreated. Then they were able to take it out for a walk, this time the trip was uneventful and they got back to the shrieking shack just as the sun was beginning to rise. As the first ray of sunlight hit the werewolf it began to change, they quickly followed suit and finished before the creature did. They watched in silences as the werewolf’s howls changed to moans and the greyish fur on its limbs became pink flesh. The transformation ended with a gasping boy lying huddled on the floor trembling in place of the writhing werewolf.

~~~0~~~

Remus lay on the floor and let the cool floor boards soothe his body. He was vaguely aware that he was himself—human again. But that fact seemed almost unimportant compared to his pounding head or the shooting pain he still felt gnawing at his limbs. As something tickled his face and he felt a bead of blood slide down his face, he became aware he was lying in a sticky mixture of his blood and other body fluids.

He groaned and struggled to pull himself up. His limbs trembled and refused to obey his commands. He tried again without success and the aftermath of moving was agony. A whimper escaped from between his clenched teeth.

A rustling movement was to his left and he felt hands touch him. The contact almost made him cry out. After every transformation his entire body was hypersensitive for hours. He wrenched his eyes open and cried out as the grip tightened slightly.

He heard a voice say. “Remus?”

Remus stared out with blurry vision and saw somebody kneeling next to him. His vision cleared slowly to reveal Sirius crouched next to him. James was standing uncertainly a few feet away and Peter was sitting on the floor still in his rat form.

“Sirius.” Remus whispered with parched, cracked lips.

“Come on mate.” Sirius muttered as he helped him sit up. When he was able to hold himself up, Sirius slowly tugged him to his feet.

Remus was trembling. He was aware of how vulnerable he was—how weak he was, as he standing there nude, barely able to hold himself up and with no idea of what he had done or what had happened over the past few days. He avoided his friends’ eyes. He couldn’t help feeling ashamed.

Lycanthropy had never been a choice he had control over, but he couldn’t help but feel ashamed at his own weakness. He couldn’t help feeling ashamed at his inability to control the wolf or retain his own mind. He was grateful Sirius was silent as they crossed the creaky floorboards and he leaned heavily against the other boy’s shoulder trying to walk. Remus dropped onto the rickety bed. He watched as Sirius retrieved his clothes and then silently passed them to him, before turning around while he redressed.

Remus painfully tugged his clothes on and then finally turned his eyes up to meet the other’s gaze. “What happened?” He whispered in a hoarse voice, wincing at his sore throat. It was the same question he had asked after every transformation. It was the question he had dreaded hearing the answer to.

“Nothing much, same-old, same-old. “ Sirius said grinning, but the automatic expression seemed false.

Remus frowned sensing the levity in his friend's tone was fake. James said. “It was fine Moony—we ran into a little trouble—but it was okay.” Remus noticed that the expression on James face was one of fear and that he didn’t hold his gaze as he spoke.

Peter interjected. “Yeah, if you call going after that kid and ---“ He broke off as Sirius shot him an evil glare. But it was too late, Remus had already heard.

“What’s Peter talking about?” Remus asked.

“Nothing Moony, don’t worry yourself about it. It’s not important.” James quickly said.

“No, what happened?”. Remus asked again. His heart was hammering in his chest

“”Nothing, I---“ Sirius was cut off by an angry yell.

“It’s not bloody nothing! Him almost killing us and attacking that little boy, is not nothing!” Peter was bright red as he pointed an accusing finger at Lupin. “He is dangerous. He—“

“Shut the hell up!” Sirius roared. Peter fell silent, eyeing Sirius nervously. James moved forward and placed a hand on Sirius shoulder stopping him from drawing his wand.

“Did-did I “ Remus paused and swallowed before continuing. “Did I bite somebody?”

“No...You didn’t Remus ,Wormtail is being a git.” James said.

Sirius quickly added. "Yeah, he’s just exaggerating. You got a little exuberant with me and Prongs and you scared this kid from Hogsmeade but that’s all.”

Remus stared at them in silence wondering whether they were telling the truth and whether they _would_ tell him the truth. Finally he asked. “I didn’t bite him though?”

“No you didn’t.” Sirius answered.

There was silence, and then Remus asked. “And that’s _all_ that happened.”

“Yeah, mate.” Sirius said with a straight face.

Seconds passed before James said. “It’s light; we’d better get back to the castle.”

Remus nodded and watched as his friends left and then he was alone. He waited in silence as the light streaming through the cracks in the boarded up windows lengthened. He stared at his hands and noticed all the new marks covering his pale skin. Pain still coursed through his body and he shuddered as he thought of passing the curse onto someone else. He felt guilty for being at Hogwarts where he was a constant danger to everybody else. Peter was right and Remus couldn’t blame him for being afraid...it was normal to be afraid of a monster. It was normal not to want to stay away from something that wouldn’t hesitate to kill you... it wasn’t normal to be the one who was responsible for the fear.

“Are you okay dear?”

Remus raised his head recognizing Madam Pomfrey’s voice. He nodded as was expected, but he knew it would be days before he felt truly okay. And it would be days after that before he could finally manage to shake all the after effects of his transformation. And when he finally felt normal again—when he finally felt human. It would all happen again. His very mind and body would be torn away.

He tried to stand and nearly fell, but Madam Pomfrey’s arm quickly slipped around his back as she allowed him to lean against her. They slowly walked back through the tunnel to the castle, slipping in unnoticed through a side entrance. Remus listened to the early-morning sounds of the other children as he walked unseen to the deserted infirmary. He wished he could join them, he wished he had awoken well rested ready for another day, not awoken from a nightmare with a body broken and battered by the beast that was himself. He was grateful the way to the infirmary was deserted and he was sad. The effort of hiding who he was day after day, was sometimes more taxing than the years he had spent isolated as his parents strove to hide his condition from other people.

Madam Pomfrey moved gracefully around the infirmary deftly setting up items on a tray. Remus set on the edge of a bed and watched her. When Madam Pomfrey had laden the tray she came back to Remus and set down a large basin of wash water and a fresh set of clothes. She drew the curtains around his bed and he slowly cleaned up and then laid down.

Madam Pomfrey came back and tidied up then tucked his blankets up around him and fluffed his pillows. He didn’t bother to protest his ministrations, he was too tired and it felt nice that someone cared about him.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“Of course Remus.” Madam Pomfrey replied as she began applying a salve to the injuries he had inflicted on himself as a werewolf. Once or twice he saw her fingers falter over a particularly deep or large gash. But he could have sworn that as she touched where he had bitten his own arm open , that while a tear dripped down her face, her expression was twisted in disgust and horror. He didn’t miss the way she turned away or finished as quickly as she could without looking at him.

Madam Pomfrey began speaking distractedly as she tended his injuries. “You’re a smart young man, Remus. James and Sirius are up to no good. A night or so ago both of them turned up here. They –they looked like something had attacked them.” She glanced at Remus but missed the horrified expression as she continued. “James was in pretty bad shape, his side was sliced up and Sirius was little better off. “

Remus asked as Madam Pomfrey began bandaging his arm. “Did they say what had happened? Were-were they attacked by me?” He couldn’t keep the revulsion out of his voice as he thought maybe he had attacked his own friends.

Madam Pomfrey met his eyes. “Oh no dear, it can’t have possible been you. At first I thought it –“ She paused and glanced down. Remus knew what she had been about to say _At first I thought it might be you._ Pomfrey continued. “Anyway, they would have symptoms by now and we’ve taken precautions to keep everyone safe. “

 _Precautions that I’ve allowed to be circumvented._ Remus thought. Numerous scenarios flashed through his mind. What was to stop him from one day escaping the Shrieking Shack and either savaging Hogsmeade or coming onto the school grounds and possibly killing people or worse passing on the curse? What would he do if he ever woke up to find he had attacked someone? Remus knew he wasn’t safe to be around. He had been so happy to have friends ... to have a chance at a normal life , that he had allowed James and Sirius to persuade him ignoring what he was. He had put the entire school in danger because he wasn’t safe. He was a monster.

He forced his mind back as Madam Pomfrey said. “Anyway, do you know what lie James and Sirius told me about what attacked them?”

Remus shook his head.

“They said of all things, it was a unicorn.”

He couldn’t help it, even though he felt awful physically and mentally, he laughed. The sound echoed in the infirmary then, Madam Pomfrey’s gentle chuckle joined along. Remus could imagine James and Sirius earnestly repeating the obvious lie with a straight face.

When the laughter died down, Madam Pomfrey frowned slightly and then hesitated before speaking. “ Remus I know you won’t want to hear this, but those boys are nothing but trouble. They’re not anybody’s friends but friends of each other and if they ever find out about you. Do you know what they might do? Sirius family is—well their not right and James is pureblood and everybody knows his family doesn’t like half-breeds.”

Remus nodded at her words but they cut into him. _A half-breed was that what he was now?_ Even Madam Pomfrey was finally showing what she thought of him, and she wasn’t intentionally being mean. He realised that was how it was, there was no way he could ever be truly accepted. He was silent as Madam Pomfrey ruffled his hair and said “I just don’t want something to happen to you that can be prevented. –Now” She briskly continued. “When you wake up we’ll try for something to eat. Yes?”

She had already stood up and was moving away but Remus called out—he had to know. “Do” He paused wondering should he ask the question and did he want to know the answer. He swallowed sharply and locked his gaze with her. “Do you think I’m a monster?”

“Of—of course not, Remus. Whatever gave you that impression—I ---“ Remus saw the hesitation in her eyes but any further protest were cut off by another voice.

“Poppy, If you don’t mind I’d like a moment with Remus.”

Madam Pomfrey quickly twirled around and gasped out. “Oh my, headmaster you gave me quite a fright.”

“But you’ll live I trust.”

“Of course”

“The moment then Poppy.”

“Yes, headmaster, but please be brief he really needs his rest.”

“ Then I’ll forgo the walk around the castle I was going to suggest we take.” The headmaster said crisply, his eyes were twinkling under his half-moon glasses.

Madam Pomfrey appeared to hesitate then she swept away, leaving Remus and the headmaster alone. Remus stared up at the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore and felt quite intimidated. He swallowed sharply then asked. “You wished to speak with me sir?”

“Remus, we’ve talked to each other enough that I think we can dispense with the formalities. They muddle a conversation—wouldn’t you agree?” Dumbledore said.

Remus nodded. Dumbledore continued. “I came to see how you’re fairing Remus.”

“I’m fine headmaster.”

“You know words can be so subjective, to one person they mean one thing but to another person they mean something different entirely.”

Remus looked away; he didn’t like the way Dumbledore was looking at him. Silence stretched before Dumbledore said quietly. “Is there something you wanted to tell me?”

He hadn’t decided until, moments ago and he wondered how Dumbledore knew. Then he wondered whether he was just being paranoid. “I’m leaving Hogwarts.” He glanced at Dumbledore to see how he would react. The headmaster didn’t speak. Remus continued “As soon as I’m better I’m going back home for good.”

Remus waited for Dumbledore to try to dissuade him. When he didn’t say anything, Remus finally asked. “Aren’t you going to say something about it to me sir? Something clever, like you always do, that makes everybody else feel like they’re stupid and you’re the only intelligent person? Aren’t you going to try to persuade me to stay and that everything I’m saying is stupid?” Dumbledore didn’t speak but continued watching Remus serenely. The expression on the headmasters’ face angered the boy. Remus continued.” But I want you to know I’m not stupid. I want to stay at Hogwarts I do, I _like_ actually having a bit of a normal life. I _like_ not hiding every day. I _like_ having friends but I can’t stay—I can’t!” His voice had been calm when it started but now it was angry and yelling. He sat back and panted, realising he had just screamed at the headmaster and insulted him, but he was still angry.

He was angry Dumbledore had ever let him come to school. He was angry the headmaster had ever given him a glimpse of life and now he would be forced back into hiding and it would be all the worse because now he knew what it was like to have friends and not be alone, now he knew what it was like to be happy and to laugh, and now his months weren’t marked only by painful transformations but also by pranks, Quidditch matches, studying, other people...by memories—happy memories.

Dumbledore was calm as he answered quietly. “ If you feel you must leave Remus I won’t stop you but it seems you’ve just listed all the reasons for staying at Hogwarts and given me no reasons for your impending departure.”

The headmaster’s words angered Remus more. He wanted to hurt Dumbledore he wanted to kill him. He screamed and it was more a roar. He was panting and then he felt _it_ happening. He glanced down and saw his body staring to change. His hands were elongating, fur was sprouting and pain was surging through his body. He felt his bones beginning to break and reform; with a massive force of will he halted the transformation. The pain was incredible; ignoring the urge to transform was almost unbearable, finally he got himself under control and stared down at his now trembling human hands. He had difficulty controlling the anger surging through him, it was like that after every transformation, like at the slightest provocation the wolf’s mind and body was waiting to be unleashed again.

He raised his arms where he had slashed himself during his earlier transformations. Dumbledore was staring at him, with something quite close to pity in his eyes. Remus yelled and he felt tears running down his cheeks. “I’m a f—king monster that’s why! I’m a monster. I could kill you, I could kill anybody in this castle and I’m supposed to walk around like I’m a human? I should be locked up; you _should_ have me locked up. I’m leaving before I give this to someone else...I couldn’t live if I ever turned somebody into this...I can’t let anyone else become like me—I can’t.”

He dropped his hands into his lap and whispered. “Don’t you see I’m a monster?”

It was quiet then Dumbledore spoke. “ Remus.” He waited until the boy looked up before continuing. “You’re not the only one who has a dark side of them that they struggle to keep secret from others. You’re not the only one who can become a monster. You, Remus I must say manage to control your other half very well...so much better than others. And for one so young---it was a pity I couldn’t have had your self-control at your age—a grave pity...”

Remus stared at Dumbledore. The headmaster eyes were glazed like he was staring into the past. After a second Dumbledore gave a jerk and continued solemnly. “There’s no need for you to leave, not until you’ve given up. As long as you continue to fight the darkness, as long as you seek the light you’re still human...more human than many will ever be.”

“But you don’t understand. I could make somebody like me or... I could kill someone.”

“As could I Remus, I choose not to. I’ll hope you’ll do the same.” Dumbledore’s tone was humorous and yet grave.

Remus was quiet. Dumbledore continued. “It’s wrong for you to hide away, just because of what you are. You have no reason to be locked away any more than I or anyone else does. Tell me child are any of your sins so grave that you regret them every second of your life? Have you ever destroyed something you love and every day you miss them?”

Remus was startled but he shook his head. Dumbledore was silent and stared out the window for several minutes. Remus watched quietly then ventured to ask. “Did that happen to someone you know sir?”

Dumbledore turned to look at Remus and for a moment he saw an expression of misery cross the headmaster’s face , then he said. “Yes, it did Remus” Dumbledore was quiet again then abruptly he cleared his throat and turned to stare directly into Remus eyes. “You have friends, you have a chance at a life, please take it... Most of us are only granted one.” Dumbledore stood up and asked calmly. “I suspect that when you’re well enough I’ll see you back at classes and not have to call a carriage to ride you to the train correct?”

There was a long pause in which Remus stared at Dumbledore. Finally Remus nodded and whispered. “Yes.”

Dumbledore, said. “Get some rest Remus.”

Before the headmaster could leave the infirmary, Remus said “can ask a question?”

Dumbledore sighed and turned around. “Why does every time somebody asks that question they never realise obviously the permission wasn’t needed because they’ve already done what they asked for? “ He added. “But yes you may.”

“Do _you_ think I’m a monster?

Dumbledore didn’t speak for almost a minute when he did the words were almost inaudible “Almost everybody is at some point or another. But the one difference between them and you is...some never become human again” Then he walked away.

Remus settled back on his pillows watching Dumbledore leave and Madam Pomfrey come nearer. He remembered his friends and what he could become and knew Dumbledore’s words were true.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon for the delay in posting the ending to this story. I've had it finished for over a year but I got distracted and forgot I hadn't posted the ending. I seriously think I have what some people would call ADHD or whatever, but anyway here it is...Hope you liked it and thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to know your thoughts. I see James and Sirius as kind of the rulers of the roost and Remus and Peter each fall in line behind them for different reasons. 
> 
> I know some people like to think of James and Sirius differently, but they are human too and I think from reading the books we can kind of see some of the mistakes they made and the repercussions.


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